"I'm not," I said and turned to walk out of the room.
"You sure?" Scott asked.
I shrugged, shaking off my disappointment.
"Wait, Jame. Jame, I think it's actually positive."
And that's the conversation we had last week as we watched one little blue line turn into two. I can't believe I am pregnant again! I am sure you all can imagine how excited I am, but I am sure many of you can also imagine how nervous I am. I've lost my last two babies before the first trimester ended. My heart wants to be hopeful, but I'm catious.
I share this news with you all now because tomorrow at 5:30 pm our family gets on a plane and leaves for Uganda. Today Vivian had a slight fever, Scott looks like he hasn't slept in a week and I am starting to feel rough as well. We need prayer. I need an extra measure of grace to physically get through our travels and accomplish the work awaiting me in Uganda.
This will not be my first time to be pregnant in Uganda. In 2007 I spent the second two months of my pregnancy with Vivian there. I was pretty miserable. But I learned a lot during those 8 weeks. And a lot has changed between 2007 and 2011. In 2007 I stayed in a large, loud house with 40 colleges students. We didn't have any privacy or access to personal transportation. This year our family will be traveling alone, staying privately and moving freely around town with the Kamara family. I am hopeful that these factors and the flexibility of our schedule will make the illness I feel during pregnancy much more endurable.
It will still be challenging, but I am ready to trust that God has a reason for leading me down this path again. The challenge I find most daunting is NOT the physical one, but the emotional one. My heart is struggling hard not to wonder and wander down the path of fear. I have seen that little blue plus sign 4 times. I have only given birth to one child. Part of me feels that I cannot bear to face another lifeless ultrasound.
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25) And what woman by worrying has ever added an hour to the life of her child? Worry gets me and my baby no where. God knows. So I am taking each day at a time. This is a difficult discipline, but so rewarding. Rather than dwelling on what I want in the end: a healthy, happy baby...I am trying to dwell on what I can gain NOW: patience, hope, trust, dependence on the Lord.
This is, after all, what I said I wanted to learn to do in 2011.
So please, y'all, pray for me on this new adventure. Pray for my dear husband who will now have to expend some extra energy to care for me and Vivian over the next few weeks. We are excited and thankful that God has once again entrusted us with another life. We will keep you posted as we enter into ministry in the heart of the Pearl this week!